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Vulnerability Discussion
By Mouse
This last week I had a very vulnerable
moment. It went deep down and touched the 8 year old child in
me... a memory of something that happened that hurt the 8 year
old me deeply, and which was carried through until this last
week. When I was eight, we'd just moved to Saudi Arabia. This
was the first time that I was exposed to the Islam culture,
and in our first month there, we were invited to one of the
financers of the hotel where my father was working, to attend
a ceremony. Obviously, this was a great, great honor. Especially
since my mother and I were invited too. Generally, ceremonies
do not include men and women. I do not know which ceremony it
was, for we never actually attended it. Within the first 10
minutes of arriving, we were kicked out, and my father's job
was on the line right there and then. He was shunned by this
investor and the investor's friends from that moment forth.
My father never again wanted me present for that kind of honorary
thing, the weeks following the incident he ridiculed me, shamed
me publically, and generally withheld all love and affection
for weeks on end.
Sure, after I turned 18, pretty girl
who had gold medals in ballroom dancing, I could come along
to his western hotel gala dinners... he could steal the show
with me there, the young and pretty arm trinket who could lead
him in dancing so that he looked like a half-decent dancer too.
But until then, nope. Nothing, nada. What had happened? I had
held out my left hand to receive something that the host held
out for me. I don't know what it was anymore, but the fact that
I stuck out my left hand was the vilest insult I could have
given our host. Ever since then, I've been scared out of my
mind of ceremony. The only ceremony I have felt relatively comfortable
with, was the Catholic church ceremonies, because I was familiar
with those since birth. In Catholic church in Holland (don't
know how it is elsewhere, could well be the same), when one
goes to communion, the left hand is extended, with the right
hand supporting the left hand. Then, when the communion is received,
the right hand picks it up from the left hand and puts it in
the mouth. Perhaps that is why I extended my left hand to the
host in Saudi Arabia, perhaps it was just cuz I am partially
ambidextrous. But anyhoo - I digress. When I saw the cleansing
thread, it brought it all back. I *wanted* to participate, but
I realized I have NO idea of what a Wiccan, Magdalene, Shamanic
or otherwise Earth-based ceremony looks like, what the "rules"
are, etc. I know - it doesn't matter, what the heart says, what
Spirit says... but that's not what the little 8 year old girl
felt.
The whole pain of that one moment
in life came flooding back. Ceremony, I fear it. I've avoided
it like the plague, actually. I was able to participate in my
own graduation in '95 because I was part of the little group
who demanded that we were given the space to create our own
graduation ceremony, devoid of standard graduation gowns and
stuff. We had a good ceremonial thing going on there, but looking
back at it now, 9 years later, I guess that I was not the only
one afraid of ceremony *giggle*. My next graduation should be
happening in June of 2005. And lo and behold, I have already
been trying to manipulate the program founder/trainer into changing
the standard graduation ceremony. The colors for the gown and
sash she suggested would be dove grey and salmon pink respectively
- and though the colors are sooooooooo not me, I now realize
that there's more than a serious dislike of gown colors. *Of
course* she wants a very ceremonious graduation day for the
very first class ever of perinatal assistants.
A big pic on the wall - the first
people to graduate from her life's work, her life's vision.
And heck, I *share* that vision, and I support her work wherever
I can too. Yet here I was, trying to botch the ceremony in order
to prevent myself from having to participate in it. Why? Because
quite bluntly, I do not know what graduation ceremony in North
America is like. It's new, and I'm so afraid that I will once
again make a mistake that will shame everyone, and perhaps even
put the program founder's credibility or vision on the line.
Isn't that something eh? So here's the little 8 year old girl.
She's stepped forward in the cleansing circle, and she's brought
her pillar candle, lit it on the altar, and shared the flames
of the other candles that were present already. The little 8
year old girl had cold sweat breaking out, but that's the contribution
she was shown to make. She's got questions though, and perhaps
in order for the little girl to be set at ease, she would like
to know whether it was okay to step forward to the altar, to
light her candle off one of the three on the altar, and to later
combine the flame with the ones that Cinn, Lotus and Moonstar
brought to the circle? Was that okay? Was it okay to bring the
pillar candle outside the circle, to put it by the door for
others to light their candle upon entering?
That aside, I feel I want to bring
some more inclusion to the vulnerabilities and questions that
are around. Lately, there have been several threads of "accomplishments",
"achievements"... but not many that indicate a vulnerability.
I like to be strong, ya see... I like it when the world thinks
that I can deal with life. And heck - I can. I can still deal
with life now that the little girl's pain came forward. Sure,
my throat is suddenly hurting and I've got this really dry cough
that feels as though my chest is being restricted.... but I
know that that is growth. Those are the binds that were on my
voice, how I restricted my voice, my "breathing space"
since I was 8 and inadvertently made a big, big inadvertent
mistake. So I let the throat now hurt, reminding me of the restrictions
my voice had. I let my breathing feel labored, reminding me
of how winded I was by the shock, and how I barely dared breathe
if only to prevent myself from making another mistake. So I
*am* strong. I *am* dealing with life... for I am embracing
that little girl and telling her that it's okay now... that
together we will learn about ceremony, traditions, expectations
and respect... and that together we will walk our talk, and
feel strength in what we do and when. That little girl is now
once again me, I have reunited with her, because after 25 years,
it is okay now to look her in the eye and to see, to *feel*
the pain that was then too much to handle.
2CrowWoman:
How terrible
that must have been for you. What kind of people expect an 8
year old to understand foreign protocol? Your story touches
my heart. Happy 8th birthday, dear Mouse. May your "new"
childhood only hold happy memories, joy and peace.
SilverEagleDreamDancer:
The
left hand thing is one of the first things that military personal
are told. It's not your fault you weren't told.. or even if
you were, that an 8 year old would make a mistake like that.
But you have shared eloquently where this experience brought
you, a vulnerability to be congratulated in itself.
ImperviousChild:
I
feel like being quiet, I have much on my mind; however I cannot
let your sharing go past without saying congratulations on retrieving
that part of you and bringing it to light. You know that it
was not your fault, but that does not erase the feelings of
hurt, mistrust, shame and ridicule you were put through and
put yourself through as an eight year old child. You have now
let the healing begin, so that you may fully live.
I am very
proud of you and of you getting prepared to graduate too, in
the not too distant future!! Don't worry about that graduation
ceremony stuff. All you have to do is be present, walk down
the isle, stand and sit when they say to and not trip when your
name is called and you walk up to the stage and grab your certificate
(or representation) of accomplishment. Look to the audience,
Smile real big and if you are devious.... hehehe.... moon the
crowd; flash the crowd; drop the robe and streak off stage;
or do the dignified thing and walk off strutting proudly. *wink*
just a few ideas... Congratulations!!! You are one Amazing Mouse!!!
Wisowl:
Congratulations, dear Mouse. Well
done. *smile* ... and for your own ceremony next year ... just
follow ImperviousChild's suggestions and you will be just fine.
Besides, if your teacher wants it to be really formal, you would
have a *dry run* first anyway, so everybody would know how to
walk etc. Ha! Love, Light and Life in all its peculiar situations.
Dragon:
(((((((Mouse)))))))
*places jewelry box lined with the softest cotton balls on sunshine-filled
window sill. Little plates of the finest cheese assortment next
to it and Dragon's special hot chocolate with marshmallows of
course, alongside. A dragons offering to help her favorite mouse.*
You would never put your kids through that and so of course
you know you shouldn’t have been either. Realizing that
an incident is not my fault usually gives me the space to fully
grieve it. And I have experienced an amazing amount of very
painful physical symptoms during this process. I am still having
throat problems and they have been worse than ever lately, so
I know that means something else is making its way to the surface.
I know that most of these throat symptoms for me is due to not
having a voice as a child and for some incidents as a young
adult. Finding my voice is painful, using it is pure release.
I have experienced such eye openers in the past year. How I
was built into this person I am not. And as I get stronger and
stronger into "me", I recognize the daily small stuff
that caused me to see myself as someone I wasn’t. I remember
all the big stuff, which was the big fear builders. The small
stuff, which confirmed on a daily and constant basis that I
was "this " person, was like breathing. I didn’t
even notice it. I am glad you are releasing this and making
more room for the new and good. Ceremony and celebration are
wonderful events to be a part of. Maybe this is part of why
a certain "little" friend of mine won’t let me
give credit or thanks to her??? hhhmmmm....Funny, I had read
in Shae's "Feet in Soil" thread, that left is receiving?
I
came back to the ceremony thread 3 times before I got the nerve
to post. Once I did, I opened up to it, although nervous enough
to make my scales tremble thinking the same as you lol. Is this
ok? Am I doing it right? I found myself in tears as I joined
in and wondered why it is so hard for me to just do it, why
do I have to pick it apart and be so nervous? Reading your feelings
about it made me realize how much I have a need to be part of
a group that just accepts "me". I never had that "offline".
And I most certainly never had it in my family. There was never
a 100% acceptance of me, I was "wrong", "defective",
I was "this", "that" and the "other".
Anything as long as I was never allowed the freedom to just
be myself, well...... never the freedom to explore who I might
be, at all. I was "choked" all the time. But it wasn’t
personal, they all did it to each other. Wow, I guess your open
door prompted me to open mine a little wider I am happy for
you. With this release, will bring new freedoms for you.
Minna:
Dear Mouse ~ I lit my
candles off yours. Because you placed your candle by the door,
I was able to give the ones I had to give. Thank you, because
despite your fear, you helped me give what I had to give in
the best way I was able. I think that would be in the neighborhood
of the Wounded Healer.
Like you, but not for the same
reasons I'm not too good or patient with ceremonies for the
most part. And I feel funny dressing up. I would have felt funny
going to the big candles in the circle. Your gift, through Spirit,
helped me to feel free to give what i had to offer in that ceremonial
space. That special little girl~ given too big a task and told
not enough to do the job, who knew? and why would anyone assign
a little 8 year old girl "The Honor of The Family".
Not intentionally, no ~ through ignorance ~ You were blamed
for your father's ignorance, by your father ~ then blamed and
blamed and blamed. His arrogance could not receive the fact
that "The Honor of The Family", not just the acclaim,
was his responsibility ~ so he pushed it off on a little 8 year
old girl because he was unable to take responsibility or to
be honest with himself. I know you know this, but thought I'd
let you know that I see it too. And for the brave woman who
acted in Spirit despite her fears, and for the brave woman who
listened to that precious little child ~ I have so much love
and respect for these two, this one Beautiful, manifestation
of Spirit walking the Red Road in courage and love. I love you.
You are Beautiful and you Shine. You made a rainbow .
Unregistered Guest:
My
Own Dear Heart Mouse (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) I love
ceremonies, but at the same time, they scare the heck out of
me. Like you, I'm always worried that I may make some faux pas.
I'm learning wiccan from the ground up, hon. with Shae's cleansing
thread, I didn't know that I was supposed to light a candle.
But as more people joined in, I realized that it meant more
because we were all united. We weren't censured for not lighting
a candle. Words, friendship and unity mean so much more
. How I honor
that brave 8 year old to come forward now. there is no reason
to be ashamed Dear Heart. For I know how loudly the mouse can
roar.
Marila:
who knows
how many children and human beings you help with this sharing
here... You release a pattern - not only on a personal level
- you may help others on so many levels, too - and with this
strength of sharing and stepping out into the light you show
your own inner strength and Beauty - and you help all those
who are in a similar situation, too - to step out of old patterns
- and to walk... So much love to you, you beautiful woman!
StarDreamer:
Oh, dear, sweet Mouse! I want to tickle your twitchy
whiskers and hug your little personage to me! Thank you for
your vulnerability! I had a difficult time entering the circle
myself. I felt Spirit nudging me...shoving me actually! I did
and didn't want to. You see, I'm all tooooo familiar with ceremony!
I spend all week working with liturgy/ceremony. That's what
I do...put the liturgy together in the bulletins every week.
Read the scripture...create a theme-based cover...find graphics
to go along, including all the hymns...make the changes the
pastor wants...even write some of the prayers (!)...dress up
all the announcements and calendar for two weeks...make it friendly
and reflective of the personality of the church as a whole.
That's the liturgy I perform every week...the benediction being
the printing of the final page, stapling 4 completed bulletins
and saying "Amen" over the file copy I put in my drawer.
By the time that's done...I don't wanna go near the church to
participate in the service! I've done it! All week! Over and
over and over again. And the thing is...it's not really MY liturgy...it's
theirs! I've gone through, well, let's see...30 years!...dealing
with the ins and outs of "proper" liturgy...thing
is, what's proper to one just ain't so for another. The fussing
and feuding over vestments or no vestments, whether it should
be traditional or contemporary, which hymnal should be used,
follow the lectionary or not, choir in the front or choir in
the back, 10 minute or half hour sermons, children in the sanctuary
or in the nursery, sending hymns or no sending hymns...yada,
yada ad infinitum! Churches even split up over these issues!
And that's just Lutherans over Lutheran liturgies. It's nuts!
And I'm still stuck smack-dab in the middle of it!YOOOWWWWLLLLLL!
(That's Dog howling in pain!) I must be nuts! But it's what
I know and it pays my rent.
I think this is one of the reasons Dancing the Wheel has been
such an incredible blessing to me. It is so freeing for me to
perform a liturgy which comes solely from my heart and spirit.
And I think I became hesitant the other day in sharing that.
I do long for a circle I could really participate in...and yet...I
would probably be hesitant there, too. Maybe even moreso...here
I'm still distanced from you all. *Smiles* Small steps. But
Mouse, makes no-never-mind to Spirit which side or what candle,
if you feel directed by him! That's all that matters. No judgments,
no knuckles smacked, no frowns and tut-tuts. Just what comes
from your heart and spirit. And your heart and spirit are bright,
shining, sweet, sensitive, loving and incredibly compassionate!
Just bring you, twitch those mousie whiskers and whatever you
do is just fine with me, and I daresay, everyone else here!
CinnamonMoon:
Bravo
Mouse! Thank you for risking the vulnerability to share this
with us. May Spirit bless you as you journey and nurture that
little girl and yourself. We’ve been talking by email so
let me just say: Here comes the Mouse that Roars! Thank you
for the observations too, they are outstanding as usual, and
I am happy to hear that you are embracing them and learning
to love this lesson. Breakthroughs are awesome aren't they?
And often they are oh so simple when we see them for what they
are. It's seeing them that's hard though and you did so well
with this.
ShaeTheFireWitch:
(((((Mouse))))))))) Mouse, my
dear Taurus sister and friend and all who see this post-I know
how hard it was for you to post that and at the same time I
am in awe of you in letting people see you in this tender state
of vulnerability...that takes "balls" as the men would
say, but as I tell my priestess sisters and friends, we just
have big wombs! Mousie, I'll let you in on a big secret. I walk
around scared sh**less most of the time. I may put on this "I
am Shae, Priestess of Power" act, but underneath it all,
it's all a front, I don't know what I am doing most of the time
and much of the time I worry about things especially when I
am putting myself "out there" to the general public
and putting myself on display for all the world to see. If there
was anybody who was hyper critical of themselves and their actions,
that would be me.. That thread you saw me write was a big step
for me. I normally don't post those kind of things. I consider
ritual and ceremony a very private and sacred thing- one I do
only for myself and in private. I am NOT comfortable being center
stage, even though I really, really want to be out there and
when I am out there I am comfortable and love it. Getting me
to that point of *getting out there* is the hard part... If
I feel like I don't know what I am "supposed" to do,
or how to do something, much of the time I simply WON'T EVEN
TRY or run away. I hate unknowns and the "what if's".
They scare me and terrify me more than I can ever say. God,
I want to be *strong* all the time- you know what I mean. I
don't want people to see me as weak, unsure or in a vulnerable
state. People tend to think I am strong, can handle anything
and tend to look to me to be the fixer, the caretaker or be
the rock when the sh** hits the fan.
The common quote in my family is; "You
can count on and lean on Shae in times of crisis. She'll keep
it together and handle things in case we fall apart." Do
you know how true this is for me? I can tell you I do that exact
thing-only because I shut myself down emotionally and fall apart
when it was all over. Many times no one is there to pick up
the pieces for me, or hold me when I cry because once I have
taken care of others, they move on to other things while I am
holding their stuff and mine too. And this sucks beyond anything
I could tell you. *frowns* I am getting better. I have come
far in the work I have done on myself the last nine years. It
has been one hell of a painful journey at times and the last
year has been the hardest yet. I don't tell you all that I spend
a lot of time crying in private. I don't come out and say I
am scared or bitch about my problems because I am embarrassed
and ashamed to admit my own weaknesses. *I don't want to appear
vulnerable*! But, Mouse I cry and hurt just like everyone else.
And lately, I have begun to wonder if I will be ever like my
old self or "normal", again. I am tired of processing
and digging around in the muck of my emotions. I simply want
to be happy with where I live and where I am at in my life.
Content with what is, and I don't know right now, where the
end point of finding that place is, but it is close. But, being
optimistic and hopeful is tough, and sometimes, I just get plain
pissy and give in. I waller and roll around in my crap/unhappiness,
have a hissy fit. Basically I may be smiling and hopeful on
the outside, when inside I feel like raw meat, bruised and battered.
Of course, I would never let you all see that, but I can get
like that.
Trusting people and letting them see
me in a vulnerable or bad state takes a huge leap of fate on
my part. Relationships especially intimate ones are areas of
challenge for me. I have had to focus on learning to trust someone
absolutely, and I am still working on that. I am extremely independent
and up until a year ago, I had always been self-reliant to the
extreme, especially in the areas of money and sharing the deepest
parts of myself- you know the parts we don't want anyone to
see. It's only in the last *eight months* I have been able very
hesitantly to let my *husband* see those pieces of me. I still
am learning to trust Nate to take care of me( i.e. support me
financially and emotionally) and to allow myself the knowing
I can rely on him, he can take care of me and I won't be left
out in the cold or dropped on my a** by him. And for me to even
admit that out loud is a huge deal, and I am somewhat embarrassed
as I type this to admit that to you all here at SL. *I wonder
if people will really think I am a total nut case now..* That
old expression, "Fake it till you make it" has gotten
me through many hard events this past year, and I find that
if I do that behavior eventually the real feelings kick in and
I am that feeling. I have more awards and titles that you could
shake a stick at. I looked to others for approval and validation.
But you know what? I had a rude awakening back in June that
it all doesn't matter, because I could no longer identify myself
by my labels or my accomplishments. I was always out to "prove
to the world" I was the BEST at everything I did. But,
I hadn't proved it *inside* and I didn't know it in my soul.
One rainy day last month I found myself looking in the mirror
and asked myself; "When are you going to get it? The only
person you need to impress is you and you can't even look yourself
in the face!"
And this came after a conversation I had
with a friend who decided to tell me what she *really* thought
of me, and told me point blank I didn't realize how far I had
come as person since I began this walk several years ago. Talk
about reality check. It hurt like hell for me to hear that,
but it made me stop and take a serious inventory of who and
what I have become. Like you, I was rejected by my father- except
it was my natural father and it happened twice. I spent 25 years
wondering why this man didn't love me enough to have a relationship
with me and when as a young woman, he came back into my life
I found myself doing all kinds of things to please him and earn
his approval even if I depreciated myself in the process. In
the end, all he wanted was a relationship on his terms and once
more I was rejected because I didn't want to be the daughter
he thought I "should be", in his case use me as a
front, not at all interested in getting to know mw. When this
happened I was 25 years old, but once again I reverted back
to the eleven year old girl meeting her "father" as
my mom introduced him (my birth father) to me that fateful winter
day. Even then, he treated me as if I were an embarrassment
to him and showed little interest in me despite having not seen
me since I was three years old. He said maybe three words to
me that day but never directly to me. So why do I say all this?
I have no clue. For once, I want you all to see me, even the
icky parts. I am vulnerable and not very pretty at the moment,
but I don't care. We can't be love and light all the time. Mouse
or anyone else who read that cleansing thread, I am sorry if
I made you uncomfortable in any way. The intention came from
my heart. My words and actions came from what I know, my own
knowing of who I am and you all got a glimpse of me very few
people, outside of my own community see. In that arena (doing
ceremony, I feel comfortable and safe and that is why I can
be fully confident in the knowing I have and letting shine out
in full force). I am happy to share my knowing with you, I would
be honored to do that with any of you. So, like you Mousie,
I stand beside you- naked and vulnerable, with my issues and
my dark secrets. But there is strength in numbers and power
in awareness, so maybe we can stand together on this one. I
don't show this side very often, but if you're willing to take
the risk, then so am I. When we expose the tender parts of ourselves
and run the risk of being hurt, judged or in both of our cases,
slapped on the hand and frozen out because we innocently did
something that caused injury or insult to someone else * is
really the time we as women fully step into our power and knowing*.
That's it for now- except to say, I am grateful to know you
and thank you for creating the opening so I could share this
piece of myself with you and others who feel called to respond
to this thread. So here I am Gang. That is all.
Tink:
Mouse I am so proud of you.
This is a major step forward for you and a very hard one yet
you've done it. I still clearly remember the day (over 30 years
ago now) that I finally let my inner child grieve and be healed.
I think it's such a breakthrough moment we cherish it forever.
American graduation ceremonies are simple though (honestly)
you sit where you are told (ahead of time always), get up and
walk across a stage for your diploma and walk back to your seat.
Other than that you listen to speeches, LOL. Or pretend to listen
at any rate. We all have our vulnerabilities and personally
I think that's good. Admitting them makes us grow.
Dragon:
((((((((((((((((((((Shae))))))))))))))))
You are great just as you are. Thank you for opening up so deeply.
Your true self, scared or not, the bad and all the good stuff,
is as accepted as the Fire Witch.
We all have those exposed parts to us. Hey, even the Wicked
Witch of OZ was vulnerable to water!
“Do
you know how true this is for me? I can tell you I do that exact
thing-only because I shut myself down emotionally and fall apart
when it was all over. Many times no one is there to pick up
the pieces for me, or hold me when I cry because once I have
taken care of others, they move on to other things while I am
holding their stuff and mine too. And this sucks beyond anything
I could tell you. *frowns*”
Welcome
to my past. I only have just put a stop to this fully, literally
just these past few weeks, they all get it now. I don’t
have a good relationship with my dad either. I will leave out
the gory details except for one. His opinion of woman is very
low. Everything is my mom’s fault and I am the idiot daughter
following in her footsteps. Oh he hides it with jokes and whatever,
but we all know the truth and it hurts like hell. Well it did,
not so much now. You have done nothing to cause any discomfort,
from the posts I have read and knowing my own feelings on it(have
you seen my response to your Pssst..SEDD? thread?) you helped
bring us out of our shells and into the open, a chance to join
our voices with yours for this sacred space. To connect in a
special way. I don’t think anyone who didn’t want
to join in...... did. You gave me the opportunity to be a part
of a ceremony and beautiful one at that. It is the only one
I have. I for one loved it! I got a taste and I want to be part
of another. I felt like I had "sisters" & "brothers"
of my spirit fully for the 1st time. It sparked something new
and old in me, it’s hard to explain. Thank you for all
that Shae. I think it’s awesome you opened yourself up
tonight. Sometimes holding that kind of stuff inside and keeping
it close, keeps us mired in it. You took a very hard and big
step tonight. I see as you opening a door and allowing all these
vulnerable feelings a choice.....to either shy away from the
light or release themselves to it. I am honored to be able to
witness your "coming out" Just as I am honored by
Mouse's.
“For
once, I want you all to see me, even the icky parts. I am vulnerable
and not very pretty at the moment, but I don't care. We can't
be love and light all the time.”
Shae,
you are still beautiful to us and you are still surrounded by
our love and light. Icky parts and all.
EaglesHand:
Dearest Mouse - I think
you are totally awesome! It took a lot of courage to enter into
the Cleansing Ceremony circle - and even more to share your
vulnerability and healing process with us. I you and honor you
for sharing this with us. And I agree 100% with those who told
you that what you went through at age 8 was NOT your fault ....
and for your father to continue to berate you for that is IMO
abusive! No wonder ceremonies terrify you so! And thank goodness
you are beginning to heal and see that not all ceremonies are
alike and that the true nature of ceremony should be (IMO)to
offer up to Spirit what is in your heart ... and to be a hollow
bone for whatever message Spirit sends through you to share
by action, words, or simply presence! I hope that soon you will
have an opportunity to experience other ceremonies in a loving
and supportive environment and that your healing will continue
to progress.
As for graduations ... well in my
experience those too are what you make of them.. work with the
director of the program to design a truly meaningful honoring
for the graduates of this wonderful new program. Graduations
I have attended have ranged from small intimate gatherings full
of meaningful words and acknowledgements of accomplishments
to full pomp and circumstance events with casts of hundreds
in full academic regalia... to my own undergraduate graduation
where 10,000 of my class mates and I sat in folding chairs on
the football field and dozed, chatted, played card games, or
smooched with a SO while the visiting dignitaries ran off at
the mouth with a hideous sound system that squealed instead
of delivered the spoken word LOL now that is NOT what I call
ceremonial or meaningful though we all wore cap and gown....
And besides that event is a ways away... there is a lot for
you to do between now and then so stay in the moment and don't
worry about it now! I have a hunch that when the time does come
you will feel very differently about it. Dearest Shae- However
you may feel inside when performing Priestess duties or other
ceremonial functions, the outward aspect and the finished product(from
my observation of the Cleansing Ceremony) is serene, full of
concentrated power, and shows that you transmit through the
hollow bone of your being the intention and message of Spirit
and your Goddess. I think the trepidation you feel before taking
your part in ceremony might be called "stage fright"
... and (again IMO) all the best people who appear in the center
spotlight in any media or venue, experience that to one degree
or another.... and it makes them better at what they are presenting
! If you stirred up memories that is healing... and part of
healing is cleansing... To be a hollow bone, to channel the
power, intention, message of Spirit, Goddess, God or muse requires
one to empty oneself, to give up self and ego and open oneself
to the Higher Power and surrender to it. One can prepare, practice,
rehearse for hours but at the moment of commitment then it is
the Higher Power that takes over and ignites the spark of living
magic that brings the ceremony to life. You were chosen for
these roles ... trust that Spirit knows that you are more than
capable of handling these energies, trust that no matter what,
you are doing what is your path to do, and dear one, trust that
you really do know what to do.
Wisowl:
Oh, Mouse and Shae, as we are on
a kind of truth streak here: You don't know how bad I always
felt about myself. Nobody loved me, nobody cared if I was alive
or dead .. that kind of stuff. I was always terrified to take
a wrong step, say the wrong thing etc. My grandmother had said
to me: don't talk about home to anybody. Well, I didn't know
what that meant, so I didn't talk, period. That is one of the
reasons why you, Mouse, saw my big alert eyes, because I became
a watcher of people, on the rare occasions where I got together
with other people. My non-existing self-confidence is a reason,
why my digestive track isn't in working order anymore. I worried
so much during the time I was working to forget something or
(heaven forbid)do something wrong, that at the end of the day
I had to go through my whole day seeing if I made any mistakes
at all ... and that on the weekends I had to walk around double
bend, because my stomach was hurting so terribly. Even today
I still sabotage myself sometimes by eating something wrong,
so that I have to end up staying home when I am supposed to
go somewhere. (I am allergic against so much food stuff, that
I don't know anymore, what I actually can safely eat!) I thought
I was over that, but apparently not. I am not sure how old my
inner child is that suffered the most, so I can't go and talk
to it and make things better. All my years growing up were messed
up, so I don't know! I think there are quite a few people/friends
here who have had problems with their parents or substitutes
and are therefore vulnerable. Sorry, if I rambled, but for some
reason I thought I had to write this down here, there was one
of my guides urging me. LOL as Shae said there is not always
Love and Light, so I won't say it this time.
Unregistered Guest:
(((((((((((MOUSE)))))))))))))
and (((((((((((((SHAE)))))))))))))))))) It takes great courage
to come forward to admit your vulnerability. It's what makes
you human and yet all that more of a reason to love you. I'm
going to let you all in on a big secret. Last week, Mouse witnessed
me losing my self-control on a member who lives in dream-land.
After trying to get through to that member about all of the
work and responsibility that owning a ranch requires the message
wasn't getting through to that person. I stormed off and then
came back and bawled my eyes out, apologizing profusely for
my very out of character behavior. I revealed the trouble the
men were giving me and the added stress of caring for "Silent"
in the aftermath of his injury. Bless you Mouse for your understanding.
Here at the ranch, I'm the "Boss Lady". I have to
be seen as tough as nails, handle conflict or problems without
batting an eye, plus do all the work the men do times 10. I
never tell you about the times I go curl up in the corner of
a stall and cry my heart out. It stinks beyond words. Thank
goodness the horses and "Psalm" are good listeners.
I feel like a failure at times because my marriage didn't work
out. I know that Richard has deep-seeded issues that I cannot
help him with and I know that it wasn't my fault that it didn't
work out. He's a philanderer and an arrogant, self-absorbed
jerk. My family still thinks I should have sorted it out with
him. Kind of hard to do when only one of you goes to counseling
and the other denies that there are problems. When I met Red
Fox last Fall, I had no idea he was my twin flame. I just knew
that he was "special". I was *VERY* wary of him, though
because of all the hurt I went through with my previous marriage
and divorce. It took him nearly 6 months of talking to convince
me to come visit him. Once I got to Scotland I *KNEW* he was
"THE ONE". A part of me is still hesitant, but he
accepts me scars and all. I was given up for adoption when I
was 11 days old. The day after Christmas. I was adopted when
I was four months old. It became evident almost immediately
that I was hyper-sensitive. My adoptive mother took me to doctors
to try to see what was "wrong" with me. I was poked,
prodded, x-rayed, etc... The doctor told my adoptive mother
that I was exceptional in my way and to accept me and love me.
Throughout the time I was getting the attention from my adoptive
father, my mother became *VERY* jealous of me and as a child
I felt it. I did everything I could to
earn her love and approval. I never got it. I was pushed aside
like a worn, broken toy as soon as my younger brother was born
and my adoptive mother never looked back. That rejection has
remained with me to this day. Shae, I never once felt uncomfortable
with your cleansing thread. In fact, it allowed me into your
life and to see what you do. I was and am more than willing
and happy to help a friend, even though I'm pretty much self-taught.
So here I stand with you, fur-less and vulnerable with my hurts
and pain. Strength is in numbers and I am showing you what I
am.
(((((Wisowl)))))
“that at the end of the day I had
to go through my whole day seeing if I made any mistakes at
all ... and that on the weekends I had to walk around double
bend, because my stomach was hurting so terribly.” That
is how I spent my growing up years and much of my adult ones,
until about 2 years ago when I was forced into looking inward,
for my physical health as well as emotional. My tummy actually
lit up with sharp pain when I read that part of your post cause
that is how I lived and breathed every minute of every day.
I had to look over my day in a panic to see if I did something
or said something that was going to cause me great emotional
pain, a punishment my family was/is awesome at. In fact, you
just opened my eyes and a door for me by sharing this. I suddenly
see something that was eating away at me and now I just got
peek into what it is. Thanks Wisowl! ((hugs)) for your tummy.
RavenTreeWhisper:
Greetings! I am heartened by
this thread and all the posts it has inspired. Tis a great thing
to show inner strength but, greater still to show vulnerability.
{{{Mouse}}} No one should expect an eight year old to bear a
grave responsibility in a ceremony. Your father should not have
blamed you for that when he neglected to tell you. I'm so proud
and in awe of you for coming forth with this story. It takes
a lot of guts. {{{Shae}}} It is a scary thing to come forth
and be in the public spotlight. Nervousness runs as if in an
adrenaline state. The sweat breaks out. You end up running in
a ragged state. At least,, that was always my experience with
that. In posting that very thread, you released me in a way.
In the past year, I attended ceremonies but never added my own
voice to that. This was the first time I actually added my own
voice. When I wrote it, I listened to my heart. When I read
it and each following post, I learned so much from it. I saw
everyone's individual paths and felt better from adding my voice.
I’m far in secure in doing any ritual. Heck, I'm far in
secure in adding my own voice or even listening to it. As DragonSpirit
has said, many of us have been rejected by parents or substitutes.
I am no different in that. In fact, ‘til last night, I
wasn’t even aware of the range of my own insecurities ‘til
I had attempted a creative drawing. I ended up putting too much
pressure unto myself.
I ended up ranting at myself.. berating
a lot. I came to realize that my early school years account
for this perfectionist ideal from me. I was one of those early
youngsters with a speech disability. It was temporary but lasted
for a good portion of my grammar school years. There was a very
blatant tug of war between my parents and the principal.. I
was very much told what to do, how to do it and so forth...
So, yeah that is a big realization. I’m sure more will
come in time. Even with the other posts from Wiseowl, Ladywhitewolf
and anyone else posting, I'm sure we will learn more from this
thread as time goes on. I'll use it as starting point from then
on. Thank you Mouse for starting this thread. Yep, everything
is not always love and light.
Minna:
Jesus, Mary and Joseph
~ you people are so very incredibly Beautiful...I honor you.
2CrowWoman:
I'm not finding words
lately, so excuse me for being quiet. I'm reading and learning
and feeling, just can't get it coherent, even talking I'm saying
things backwards!
Lotus:
Sweet (((mouse))) There are
many things I could add to this thread, but you know what my
words would be, for I have already shared them with you. As
I read through each post, I was deeply touched by the love of
spirit and heart so lovingly given. You are each so beautiful
and I thank you for your courage of word and action. I only
wish to add how happy I am that you have come full circle, embracing
the little girl within has been a giant step for you and how
proud you should be ... it took a lot of courage to share your
vulnerability. I also want to hug you ((((((((((Wisowl))))))))))
and tell you, I hope you believe you are worthy of all good
things. Please never doubt how special you are.
Mouse:
((((hugs all)))) Thank
you all so much for your love, generosity and kindness. What
kind of person expects an 8 year old to know the cultural expectations?
Hmm - I'd guess I'd have to go into the left hand is the hand
that is used to wipe the butt thing. That's what the left hand
is for in Islam. It's the dirty hand, and by extending my left
hand to the host, I was telling him, in front of all his influential
friends, that I, a *girl*, thought of him as being equal to
a turd. It's not just a cultural thing - it's what babies are
taught from the beginning... it's just ingrained. And well -
westerners in Saudi don't have much leeway to start with. So
it was my father's duty to ingrain me with the infinite truth
of the left hand... before bringing us over to Saudi. He didn't.
He had been advised to, but he figured I was right-handed, and
wouldn't extend my left hand. But that aside. I realize after
a few days how much using my voice in a way of expressing inner
authority is tied into this. That's the next lesson. The woman
now standing up and speaking up. A very dear friend dreamed
of me last night, and she dreamed that I was yelling energetically
at a man she felt to be my father. My father, the authoritative
male, the masculine, patriarchal authority - it's all the same
in the mind of that 8 year old girl. I yelled at him, them,
it.
How fitting
that I have this cold now that has travelled from my chest to
my throat to my sinuses in a matter of two days. Letting it
all out. I speak my truth now, I express my truth freely, perhaps
with knowledge of the fear behind it, but I speak it. Over the
last two years I have worked hard with the inner child. And
even though she was quiet (didn't use words), she grew up and
became a young woman, and then became a mother. She didn't speak
though - and I am feeling that I have now been able to retrieve
her voice. Now she can start to use her voice again, since she
has been yelling energetically at the masculine aspects that
held her tongue. Actually - as I write that, the word "tongue",
I am wondering whether *this* is why I have been biting my tongue
quite literally for a while now. As a "nervous" habit
- and I have been wondering where that came from. I have not
done so before, but it came up suddenly. Perhaps it is now time
too to stop biting my tongue and to realize that I am wanting
to voice something when I catch myself doing it. Shae - I want
to thank you in particular for stepping forward in this. You
and I, we have so much in common, yet are so different. So you
can be fire witch, and I can be ice queen. Standing beside you,
stripped of our perceived "strong" personas... I feel
grateful for your openness. It is also very eye-opening to hear
that ceremonies scare you - since you speak of them quite openly,
and attend them with regularity. Thank you. For everyone, I
am very grateful that I am in the company of such loving people
to explore this new aspect. I would otherwise do that secretly,
internally, in my own little ice cave. Yet here, I have the
freedom and the safety of sharing it; so that what I learn here
about my life, about me, may be a foothold for someone else
on their path. Bless you all!!
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Libraries
are on this row
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INDEX
Page 3
(Main Section, Medicine Wheel, Native Languages &
Nations, Symbology)
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INDEX
Page 5
(Sacred Feminine & Masculine, Stones & Minerals)
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©
Copyright: Cinnamon Moon & River WildFire Moon (Founders.)
2000-date
All rights reserved.
Site
constructed by Dragonfly
Dezignz 1998-date
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